Walk with a Limp

Almost two years ago, my grandmother slipped on some stairs and broke her hip.  She bravely underwent a total hip replacement and then diligently worked in numerous physical therapy sessions to regain use of the broken part.  Last year, when I was home for Christmas, I could tell my Gramma had a little hitch in her “giddy up” and she always had her cane in hand.  It made her feel safer, she said, when lots of people where around.  This year, I was home again – this time in August. Gramma’s cane was often forgotten in a different room, there was a barely noticeable limp and the only time she really reported trouble with the hip, was if she slept on it at night.

In the last month or so, I’ve really felt led to make peace with someone I thought I was done with – for good.  It was a gradual feeling that would come to the surface and lodge there for several days, until I was able to convince myself it was my imagination and stuff the feeling back down…only to have it resurface a day or two later.  We’d tried a couple of times before, but for various reasons, true peace was not a result of those efforts.  Finally I reached out again and was curious and relieved when he reached back.  When I think of peace, things certainly aren’t how I would’ve imagined them to be with this person.  But I know they’re how they should be, because I feel different.

For me, with understanding came forgiveness.  A moment came, when I could clearly see the place this person is currently in and I could understand the associated behaviors that have impacted my heart in such ways.  I was surprised to realize that I didn’t feel anger, but…compassion. Selfless compassion.  And with that, came peace without expectations.

Forgiveness is such a difficult thing.  Even when your brain understands all the details and you want to forgive - your heart can still be like my Gramma’s hip.  Sensitive.  Touchy.  Injured.  Consistently since I rededicated my life to Christ almost three months ago, I’ve earnestly sought God and tried multiple times to find forgiveness for this person, who hurt me so deeply.  Like my Gramma’s physical therapy, it’s been painful and difficult.  There were (and are) times when I’ve wondered if it was working or worth it and times I’ve wanted to give up completely.  But just like my Gramma, every day was a new day to get better.  I clung to God the way she clung to her physical therapists.  Believing Him, when He encouraged me to take another step – to try again.  Like Gramma, I knew this would be for the best and I would be glad someday…some distant, unidentifiable day in the future (lol).

My Gramma was protective of her hip as it healed and I’m trying to be more protective of my heart now.  We both know our limitations – and what to lean on – as we mend.  I’m cautious not to forget my crutch – especially with this person.  But I’m feeling safer and less vulnerable when other people are around.  There’s still a slight hitch in my giddy up and if I put too much pressure on that part of my life or how I relate to that person, pain will still flair.  Overall, though, I’m learning that healing completely isn’t a prerequisite to forgiveness (which also means it's probably time to apply these lessons to other people in my life who might need some forgiveness...grrr...).  Through understanding and forgiveness I’m healing up well.  Better able, everyday, to use my broken part…and some days, I hardly notice that I still walk with a little limp. ;)

Love y'all,
~M~