I don't know karate, but I know ca-RAZY!

FYI: I am, apparently, the devil. In case you didn't already know.

One of my fears leaving the DC area, is that my life would get dull or mundane again. My time in the DMV was a lot of things, but "boring" was never one of them.

My drive across the country was calm and uneventful (minus needing to buy tires in Las Vegas after having worn out two of my four already bald tires). The night I pulled into town, I'd arranged to meet with a female I'd been emailing already regarding a room. Her name is Theresa, she's a 37 year-old single Christian. While we were emailing I'd see little things here and there that were "weird"...but we're all weird somehow - they were things I thought I could deal with. She's uber Christian. She's closing in on 40 and never been married. She calls dogs doggies and horses horsies...so what, I pick my head, have special washcloths just for washing my butt and own underwear that I've had since high school. We're all weird.

So we met on Sunday and got along...we went out to dinner and I went back to the hotel that night. Monday night we met again and went to dinner. Afterwards, she invited me to move in.

By Tuesday, I was experiencing "Single White Female"-esque symptoms...while playing with Malachi, Theresa said "Come to mommy". And yeah, she wasn't talking about me. For me, that was a double red flag that I conveniently ignored. First, she referred to my dog as her child. Second, she referred to my dog as her child. Theresa had a dog of her own - a miniature greyhound puppy that she inherited ("from God" by way of someone she hardly knew). She actually didn't like the dog but had been reluctant to return God's gift to the breeder in San Diego. I told her I'd be willing to go with her, if she wanted, because I don't have to report to work until the 11th.

Wednesday morning we were up and very, very slowly out of the house. Another red flag I ignored: Theresa is beyond slow. There are people you know are chronically late...10, 15 minutes, you deal with it. From the time I met her, Theresa was at least 45 minutes late to everything she did, everywhere she went. She assured me it was because the puppy she didn't want and found overwhelming had her frazzled from lack of sleep. She'd actually put him up at a boarding facility for the previous three days.

We were probably 3/4 of the way into our 4 hour drive to San Diego, when Theresa said maybe my bookcases shouldn't go into the spare room. Oh, no problem, I said - I rented a storage unit in Santa Maria so they'll just go there instead. A few minutes later she dropped the bomb, "And...I'm like 10% sure I don't want a roommate at all."

Um...what?!

Ok, sure no problem, I'll start looking for other options and you just let me know what you decide. Big Smile.

It was downhill from there.

You know how in the movies someone doesn't take their meds and then you watch how the crazy slowly creeps in? Yeah, I don't need movies anymore. This nut lost her miiiiiind on me. We made it to the breeder, but the drive back to Santa Barbara was pure, unadulterated hell.

Highlights:

I only got into graduate school because of affirmative action.
I won't like Santa Barbara because it's mostly white.
Mental illness runs in families, which could explain my issues.
And I am, of course, the devil.

Then there was the time I was texting - literally both hands were on my cell phone and she said, "You just raised your fist to me." huh? "You raised your fist to me, do you want to walk home?!" uh, no. "If you raise your fist to me again, I'll put your butt on the bus, clear??" suuure...yeah...crystal...

We listened to the Jesus radio station the entire way...which apparently told her that I am not to be trusted and that I follow black Acuras with tinted windows and somewhere to be...yeah, I didn't get her reference when she said "That's what you follow." and gestured to the car passing us in the next lane. So she had to clarify that I follow whatever is "black" in this world and that I am in for a surprise when I get to heaven. Oh...right, ok. To this I was actually brave enough to say, “I think we're all in for a shocker.” Referring (albeit passively) to her desire to “fly through the clouds” when she goes to heaven…have you ever been on an airplane, Theresa…?! I mean, good grief.

I kept my sunglasses on the whole time - even though it was overcast and I probably didn't need them at all - I was scared and they say never to make eye contact with wild animals. We only talked when she started conversation...but if I dared ask a question, she'd say, "I don't know...why don't you look it up?!" Yeah, I could, but I don't actually care about anything your crazy butt is saying. I'm just trying to keep the peace until I can get out of this car, get my dog (currently locked inside your place) and get us both to safety.

I am immature, a "pill" and not very friendly...although she refused to give me examples on any of these, because I should just know...Pulling into the driveway, she made the most bazaar correlation to the almost full moon, breast implants, my age and my sense of humor....I'm still not clear how those four things are related.

She stood over me the entire time, watching everything while I packed my stuff and loaded my car. I'm not really sure why since, as the devil, her watching me wouldn't really keep me from doing anything, well, evil, would it now...? But whatever. I loaded my car and literally peeled out of the parking lot, Dukes o f Hazard style, leaving her standing arms crossed in my rear view mirror in that crazy, creepy, breast implant-like moonlight.

I'm back at a hotel now and everything is ok. Thanks mostly to attentive friends who were at the ready when they got my all points bulletin-SOS texts. One friend found me a new hotel, another stopped my mail from being delivered to the loon's address, another offered to "come slap a ho" and a forth was already asking her friends if they knew any leads on rooms for rent in Santa Barbara...what would I do without my friends?! :)

In the last two days I've looked at 8 rooms and I have three more scheduled. I have my favorites, which of course aren't calling me back while everyone else is...they both left on vacation right after showing me their rooms. That's so wrong. Don't they realize I'm having a life moment here?!

So technically I still don't have a place to live, but I do know one thing: if past experience means anything, life in Santa Barbara may not be as boring as I feared...!

Love y'all!!
~M~