Tree of Life

“There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go of.” ~ Anonymous

I am here.  I made it back to DC.  God is faithful – He delivered me (practically with a bow on my head) not only back to the DC area, but to the same area I ran away from last year.  I am blessed.  I have possibly the cutest apartment in the most convenient area and have the cutest new car to troll around my new area in.  God is faithful.  He has met all of my needs.  I am alone.  Five months ago, the last time I blogged, I contemplated taking risks.  I had no idea how mine would pay off, but I hoped for the best.  That what I desired most of all would come to fruition.  But it has not.  Once again, one year later, I am here and blessed…and alone.

I’m not sure yet just what my thoughts are on this recent turn of events.  It’s only now been 24 hours.  My eyes hurt, my stomach muscles ache, I’ve eaten approximately seven grapes all day and I can’t look a single person in the eye without bursting into tears.  Zumba tonight was quite a feat – I should feel special and excited that my teacher remembers my name and has began talking to me in class.  But…tonight?  My care group chose tonight to review the group covenant and by the time we reached the bullet about supporting each other in prayer, I was hyperventilating.  Again. 

I really wanted this.  I prayed for 13 months and 3,000 miles for direction, clarification, hope.  I can clearly recall March 8th when he emailed me and invited me on a date – to pursue me, with the intention of marrying me, he’d said.  I remember standing in a stall in the ladies’ room, my head pressed against the door, just praying.  I had worked so hard for so many months to put – and keep – God first in my life.  Before everything.  Before my love, before my desire to get married, before my desire to have children.  And then, the ultimate test was in front of me. 

I remembered Abraham and Isaac.  Abraham’s love for God was so great that Abraham was willing to sacrifice his only, cherished and longed for son.  Because he knew God had a plan.  I wanted to always remember – always – that whatever happened, I should be able to give my love up if the time came.  Because God has a plan.  And as hard as it may be, or as wrong as it may seem, my only job is to trust that.  Then, tonight, as she was leaving, a woman at care group who I hadn’t met before handed me a small slip of paper and smiled.  I opened it and read…

“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”” Jeremiah 29:11

It’s a verse I’ve read many times before – it was my life verse in high school, in fact.  But tonight, it felt like a hug.  It took me back to that bathroom stall, thinking about Abraham and wondering if I would ever in life be so brave as to trust God’s plan that way…and now, just six months later – and as I troll around Montgomery County realizing so much of my familiarity with the area is directly thanks to my love – I realize, that I am.

Five months ago, my pastor reminded me that to get the good stuff, I’ve got to go out on a limb.  So I did…and I learned that sometimes that limb can break before I can reach the prize.  I learned that if it does break, it will hurt.  But that should never stop me and I will always hold out hope for another season – because life is long and ultimately I know that I am rooted in the Tree of Life.

Love y'all,
~M~