I had a good morning. I think it was the residual effects of a good night. I had a wonderful Anger Management class last night. Initially, I’d signed up for the class out of some combination of self-concern, spite and curiosity. But I wasn’t there 15 minutes and I knew this class was gunna be good. I felt thankful that someone accused me of having this issue, but also sorry that he doesn’t seem to realize to what extent it could help him in his relationships too. I didn’t linger terribly long on that thought, though, because let’s be honest – I didn’t pay the money to apply these principles to someone else (lol)!
So I woke up feeling…renewed. But I’ve had a couple of weird hiccups today. I re-established the allotment with my bank for my paycheck – my new job finally gave me access that I needed (it only took seven weeks), so now I have the right amount of money going into the right account to get my bills paid. It took, like, 7 seconds. It was such a huge thing. Then I did something else (I don’t remember what, to be honest) and had the same weird, physical reaction – almost like mental vertigo or something. But at the same time, I was aware that the actions I’d taken were small ones in the big picture, so I shrugged it off. I got everything out, to do some real work at my job (now that seven weeks in I seem to be finally getting all of the accesses that I need!)…but at first, I just couldn’t…it was that same feeling that washed over me.
I think what’s happening is that life is going on.
Until my recent “Facebook status change”, these little details were sort of building up – they had become my routine. I didn’t work, because there was little to do or that I was authorized access to, so when I wasn’t shadowing another employee I mostly emailed or texted the not-boyfriend all day. I neglected details like setting up my financial allotments or picking up packages at the Post Office because I was always with him or unprepared and running late because I’d overslept after being with him for too long the night before (lol)…
When I go into my kitchen or look in my fridge, I get the same feeling. There are still things in there from when I first got here and we went grocery shopping together. The flat of bottled water, the bottle of V8…he built my kitchen table and chairs for me and he organized my cupboards too. Then there’s the last vase of wilting pink roses…I know the time will come when the stuff in the fridge will be gone. Dying roses reach a point when they smell like death too. And I’m sure that eventually the magnifying mirror he voted to keep in the bathroom or closet but I kept on the kitchen table (where I can sit comfortably for longer), will permanently make its home there. Soon enough, life will move forward leaving behind any lingering evidence of what was supposed to be…I think that process is starting already.Life isn’t standing still this time to mourn the demise of M&M. On the one hand, that’s exciting – but on the other, it’s intimidating. All I wanted when I got here was a familiar routine. I yearned for it. I wanted to have “the usual” – the things that I could expect or assume. I’m realizing now, that I had those things, they just didn’t look the way I expected. As my weekend approaches, there’s a subtle anxiety in my stomach. I’m nervous because I have one entire day out of two where I have no plans. I’m distinctly aware that my routine has been disrupted, because usually I would be with him. But I’m also aware that like those couple of other things that I managed to accomplish today, new routines are on the way...I just have to wait and keep looking. Because they tend to come when I’m busy doing them.
“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on.” ~Robert Frost
Love y'all,
~M~
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