Wordless Wednesday

Rain or Shine

Today was overcast and gloomy the entire day.  Everyone was talking about it – the DJs on the radio, coworkers – everyone.  I had to dig my umbrella out of my closet to get to my car, it was like a throwback to my Washington state days.  Once I got to my car, it took me 15 minutes to get to a point it usually takes me two minutes to reach.  Rain, is an oddity here.  And by rain, I do mean the sullen, gloomy, Twilight kind of rain. 

But I liked it.  It reminded me of home.  We’re easing into winter and soon enough, we’ll be coming out of it…when we do, I’ll be entering my fourth year on this journey away from home.  My original plan was to come to DC for three years.  Get some good, solid experience and return home to my friends and loved ones.  But apparently God had other plans.  Try as I might, I haven’t been able to recreate the elusive level of comfort and familiarity-bordering-on-boredom that I once held for where I lived.

I’ve always been a late bloomer.  So it really shouldn’t surprise me that it’s taken nearly four years away from my comfort zone, before I begin to make sense of what God is showing me.  In a word...contentment. 

I’ve been putting pressure on myself, for years now, to settle into a new community so that I can re-establish myself and be just like how I used to be.  I've felt almost an urgancy to transplant before I loose that person I feel in there.  In the last few months, I was sure that I was closer than ever.  I was going to move back to DC, back to a small pre-established cross section of friends and acquaintances, get married have a ready-made family, a good government job and live happily ever after.  But apparently God had other plans.

In the last two weeks it’s become clear to me (um, again), that re-creating the new and improved life that I once knew, just might not happen.  The thought kind of rattles me, but also shows me that at the core, I’m still the “me” I knew then – even without the familiar comfort zone that I was sure created it.  I’m on a journey which apparently isn’t over.  And that’s why it’s so important for me to find – and rest – in contentment with my current circumstances, whatever they may be. 

When I first heard this Miley Cyrus song, I chuckled. Really?  As in…Hannah Montana?  But when I heard it I criiiiied and cried…and then repeated it and criiiiied some more.  Preach it Miley!  I hope that our Twilight weather will continue tomorrow.  Amidst everything new and semi-familiar, it’s a nice reminder of home and what used to be….a reminder of every part of me. J

"But godliness with contentment is great gain." ~ 1 Timothy 6:6

Love y’all,
~M~

Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da

I had a good morning.  I think it was the residual effects of a good night.  I had a wonderful Anger Management class last night.  Initially, I’d signed up for the class out of some combination of self-concern, spite and curiosity.  But I wasn’t there 15 minutes and I knew this class was gunna be good.  I felt thankful that someone accused me of having this issue, but also sorry that he doesn’t seem to realize to what extent it could help him in his relationships too.  I didn’t linger terribly long on that thought, though, because let’s be honest – I didn’t pay the money to apply these principles to someone else (lol)! 

So I woke up feeling…renewed.  But I’ve had a couple of weird hiccups today.  I re-established the allotment with my bank for my paycheck – my new job finally gave me access that I needed (it only took seven weeks), so now I have the right amount of money going into the right account to get my bills paid.  It took, like, 7 seconds.  It was such a huge thing.  Then I did something else (I don’t remember what, to be honest) and had the same weird, physical reaction – almost like mental vertigo or something.  But at the same time, I was aware that the actions I’d taken were small ones in the big picture, so I shrugged it off.  I got everything out, to do some real work at my job (now that seven weeks in I seem to be finally getting all of the accesses that I need!)…but at first, I just couldn’t…it was that same feeling that washed over me. 

I think what’s happening is that life is going on. 

Until my recent “Facebook status change”, these little details were sort of building up – they had become my routine.  I didn’t work, because there was little to do or that I was authorized access to, so when I wasn’t shadowing another employee I mostly emailed or texted the not-boyfriend all day.  I neglected details like setting up my financial allotments or picking up packages at the Post Office because I was always with him or unprepared and running late because I’d overslept after being with him for too long the night before (lol)…

When I go into my kitchen or look in my fridge, I get the same feeling.  There are still things in there from when I first got here and we went grocery shopping together.  The flat of bottled water, the bottle of V8…he built my kitchen table and chairs for me and he organized my cupboards too.  Then there’s the last vase of wilting pink roses…I know the time will come when the stuff in the fridge will be gone.  Dying roses reach a point when they smell like death too.  And I’m sure that eventually the magnifying mirror he voted to keep in the bathroom or closet but I kept on the kitchen table (where I can sit comfortably for longer), will permanently make its home there.  Soon enough, life will move forward leaving behind any lingering evidence of what was supposed to be…I think that process is starting already.

Life isn’t standing still this time to mourn the demise of M&M.  On the one hand, that’s exciting – but on the other, it’s intimidating.  All I wanted when I got here was a familiar routine.  I yearned for it.  I wanted to have “the usual” – the things that I could expect or assume.  I’m realizing now, that I had those things, they just didn’t look the way I expected.  As my weekend approaches, there’s a subtle anxiety in my stomach.  I’m nervous because I have one entire day out of two where I have no plans.  I’m distinctly aware that my routine has been disrupted, because usually I would be with him.  But I’m also aware that like those couple of other things that I managed to accomplish today, new routines are on the way...I just have to wait and keep looking.  Because they tend to come when I’m busy doing them.

“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life.  It goes on.” ~Robert Frost

Love y'all,

~M~

Wordless Wednesday

Just a Second

Thanks, Mike



~M~

Tree of Life

“There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go of.” ~ Anonymous

I am here.  I made it back to DC.  God is faithful – He delivered me (practically with a bow on my head) not only back to the DC area, but to the same area I ran away from last year.  I am blessed.  I have possibly the cutest apartment in the most convenient area and have the cutest new car to troll around my new area in.  God is faithful.  He has met all of my needs.  I am alone.  Five months ago, the last time I blogged, I contemplated taking risks.  I had no idea how mine would pay off, but I hoped for the best.  That what I desired most of all would come to fruition.  But it has not.  Once again, one year later, I am here and blessed…and alone.

I’m not sure yet just what my thoughts are on this recent turn of events.  It’s only now been 24 hours.  My eyes hurt, my stomach muscles ache, I’ve eaten approximately seven grapes all day and I can’t look a single person in the eye without bursting into tears.  Zumba tonight was quite a feat – I should feel special and excited that my teacher remembers my name and has began talking to me in class.  But…tonight?  My care group chose tonight to review the group covenant and by the time we reached the bullet about supporting each other in prayer, I was hyperventilating.  Again. 

I really wanted this.  I prayed for 13 months and 3,000 miles for direction, clarification, hope.  I can clearly recall March 8th when he emailed me and invited me on a date – to pursue me, with the intention of marrying me, he’d said.  I remember standing in a stall in the ladies’ room, my head pressed against the door, just praying.  I had worked so hard for so many months to put – and keep – God first in my life.  Before everything.  Before my love, before my desire to get married, before my desire to have children.  And then, the ultimate test was in front of me. 

I remembered Abraham and Isaac.  Abraham’s love for God was so great that Abraham was willing to sacrifice his only, cherished and longed for son.  Because he knew God had a plan.  I wanted to always remember – always – that whatever happened, I should be able to give my love up if the time came.  Because God has a plan.  And as hard as it may be, or as wrong as it may seem, my only job is to trust that.  Then, tonight, as she was leaving, a woman at care group who I hadn’t met before handed me a small slip of paper and smiled.  I opened it and read…

“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”” Jeremiah 29:11

It’s a verse I’ve read many times before – it was my life verse in high school, in fact.  But tonight, it felt like a hug.  It took me back to that bathroom stall, thinking about Abraham and wondering if I would ever in life be so brave as to trust God’s plan that way…and now, just six months later – and as I troll around Montgomery County realizing so much of my familiarity with the area is directly thanks to my love – I realize, that I am.

Five months ago, my pastor reminded me that to get the good stuff, I’ve got to go out on a limb.  So I did…and I learned that sometimes that limb can break before I can reach the prize.  I learned that if it does break, it will hurt.  But that should never stop me and I will always hold out hope for another season – because life is long and ultimately I know that I am rooted in the Tree of Life.

Love y'all,
~M~