Simple Truths

I was already in bed when my cell phone rang. The caller was from a number I didn’t recognize, but I picked up anyway, a mixture of boredom and curiosity. The caller was my mom. “I have some bad news” she said matter-of-factly, “Your grandpa has died.” I sat bolt upright, I’m not sure how long I was stunned silent, but finally I managed, “My grandpa…?”

My grandpa was a quiet, deliberate man – easily overshadowed in a family of loud, gregarious women. During WW2, he fought in the Army and raised four children in the baby boom. He built every house my mom lived in, until she moved out on her own. He took me in as his own when I was a baby and my parents divorced. He taught me to love ice cream and the Lord. His favorite color was green and when I was little, it tickled him to no end that when he scowled at me, I would scowl back. He bought me a Honda CRX for Christmas one year and was genuinely concerned that I wouldn’t like it. He helped pay for me to attend Catholic elementary school and helped put me through college. He told me once that my best bet to find a good man, was to find a dumb farm boy “like him”.

Whenever my grandpa got dressed up, he would wear a bolo (of which he had several) and a belt buckle I can’t remember giving him that said, “Worlds Best Grandpa”. When he spoke, if I listened close enough, I could hear his dentures click. He was damn near stone deaf, we had to shout ourselves horse to talk to him.  When my grandpa was my age, he was so handsome – he looked just like a movie star. My grandpa sat in a chair in the Living Room for the last few years of his life, while the family life continued to buzz around him. Countless times, when food was being served in the kitchen or eaten in the Family Room, my Gramma would hand me a plate and say, “Take this to Dad…” and I would dutifuly deliver it to the next room.  My grandpa ate a bowl of ice cream every night and when his doctor suggested he cut back to just a cup, I made him a ceramic cup the size of a bowl with “I love you grandpa” painted on the bottom inside. When my grandpa laughed, no sound came out. He would squeeze his eyes shut and shake his shoulders.

My grandpa loved plaid and flannel -  and he loved them even more, together. When I was growing up, he loved to work on cars. He went hunting every year with his sons. One year, he brought home such a haul, he had to talk my mom into buying a full size freezer so we could store the venison (deer meat) in her basement. My grandpa believed in conspiracies and the end times. He built a house big enough on property large enough for all of us, in the event the end times started any time soon. My grandpa’s birthday was Christmas day and every year he got a $1.00 box of chocolate covered cherries from my mom – a tradition started when she was small. One year recently she didn’t get it, assuming he didn't really care…but that evening he asked her, “Where are my cherries, Reet?”

I used to visit grandpa when no one else was home, just to talk to him in his chair. He told me he heard God’s voice once. My grandpa read the King James Bible every day but when he’d get really upset, he’d still cuss (not entirely unlike his granddaughter).  He also had an alternative cuss word (not entirely unlike his granddaughter) – his was “Dagnabit”. My grandpa collected John Deere’s and CATs and loved to get them stuck in the earth on his farm. He made the pond on our property and stocked it with fish – we had to explain to him that he couldn’t shoot the Blue Herring that kept eating them all out because it was an endangered species.  He didn't much care.

My grandpa’s name was Max and he died yesterday. He’s in heaven now, of that I am certain. I will miss him until I see him again. Today after church, a song came on the radio and I will forever believe it was my grandpa saying good-bye to me.  My grandpa led the family in prayer at every meal we shared together. Today, my prayer echos the last line of every prayer he prayed as far back as I can remember:  “Lord, help us and help us, to help each other.” …now, more than ever, Father. Amen.



I love you, grandpa...
~M~

Sinkhole Saints

Friday there was finally a break in the rain. I ventured out of the Ark and decided to celebrate the overcast-but-reasonably-ok-and-safe-to-possibly-get-lost-before-the-next-wave-(literally) weather and take a new route home. Or more specifically, a road that from the looks of things, led in the general direction of the city where I live.

The first part of the road, ran parallel to the highway, so I knew I’d be safe. As I drove along I casually looked toward the highway and did a double take when I saw huge gaping holes in the earth beneath the road. Large metal arches held up the highway, so pass-throughs could be created for the ranches on either side. I was shocked to see this, because from my usual daily view on the highway, I could see none of it – the highway looked like it was built on solid ground. But from this new perspective, I could see that “solid ground” looked like Swiss cheese.

Today on the way to work, I noticed a sign telling us the highway would be closed tomorrow. The entire highway?! When I got to work, I learned it would only be a small portion, just past the exit I take to get to and from work. A sinkhole had developed right in the middle of the road. Sinkholes are caused by water gradually eating away at the earth in a specific area, until whatever is on top is too heavy and sinks into the empty space the water caused. I learned that in this part of California, sinkholes are not uncommon, because the earth is sandy, the area floods in the winter and the overall infrastructure is old.

For so many of us, our relationships with Christ are like the highway I travel on to and from work. It looks good on the outside – everything appears to be firm and supported, just where it’s supposed to be. But if you look closer – perhaps from another angle – there are holes. If the foundation we build our relationships with God on is weak, then when trials, temptations or valley seasons come, those insidious challenges will diligently eat away at what little foundation we have and we will cave under the pressure.

We must be on the lookout for what the enemy persistently uses to eat away at our foundation, because the enemy’s goal is to kill, steal and destroy. Spiritually, we cannot rely on an old infrastructure – lessons learned in youth group, or the Christian counselor from the Boy Scout camping trip in 5th grade. We can’t rely on the Serenity prayer from AA or get our fix from a friend’s faith in Christ. We must continuously work to solidify our individual foundations in Him.

“He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. 49But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete." Luke 6:48-49

Love y'all!
~M~

Deliverance

(noun) deliverance

1. the act of delivering or freeing from restraint, captivity, peril, and the like; rescue; as, the deliverance of a captive
2. any fact or truth which is decisively attested or intuitively known as a psychological or philosophical datum; as, the deliverance of consciousness

Yesterday was a great day. There was literally nothing bad about my day. Yet, for some reason, last night I found myself in a funk. I even tried to cry a couple of times, to no avail. When I woke up this morning, the feeling still lingered. On the way to work, I reminded myself that my life is God’s and that I want to be content with His will for me – just in case I had forgotten that, and it might have caused a little blister in my spiritual life. When a friend forwarded me a Daily Thought, as she often does, I replied to her text and told her I felt…funny and would she please give me something interesting to ponder (as she often does). I am sure my relationship with this particular friend is God ordained. That’s not to say none others are, but this one, I am sure is. She responded to my text by emailing me at work to encourage me.

“Maybe you’re mourning not having something to mourn…” she suggested, “you might be trying to miss something that in reality, you just don’t have a taste for actually missing anymore.” I realized simply and quickly that…she’s right. My time in California has been such an amazing time with God. I rededicated my life to Christ – I can’t believe it’s been five months already – and I have been taking steps daily to grow and develop my relationship with Him. It’s not just my spiritual life that I am giving to Him to change, but my whole life. He is with me while I experience fitness and health. He is with me, while I figure out boundaries with my family and while I discover what it is that I want in a community and an environment. He is with me while I am stretched and challenged at work. He is with me in everything that is happening in my life right now. And more importantly, he is delivering me. Christ is delivering me from fear and from anxiety, from unnecessary habits and insecurities. He is delivering me from immaturity and apathy and anger and self hate.

When I read my friend’s email, I realized – the old Mianna would be anxious for work, knowing it’s going to be challenging and even downright hard (and btw, it today was). The old Mianna would be eager to fast forward to finding a new job in DC already over her current surroundings. The old Mianna would be bummed out as Valentine’s Day approaches and the old Mianna would be easily convinced to work through lunch rather than go to the gym or to consider a hike on the beach “enough” exercise and not walk her dog for a mile the same evening. But the new Mianna…she is not anxious about work, because she knows it will be hard…but she knows who is in control. She is excited for a job in DC that will take her home…but she is equally excited to experience all of the adventures that California has before she leaves. The new Mianna knows Valentine’s Day is coming and already has plans. The new Mianna runs at lunch and channels those endorphins towards a productive afternoon and she hikes the beach with friends and walks her dog for a mile because she knows he loves it...and it wouldn’t kill her to make him happy.

I have been delivered from so much in these last few months and although I am so grateful, I have not been standing in the fullness of that one, simple fact. I am more than a conqueror through Him who loves me. Not standing in the power and in the strength and the light of God’s deliverance is as good (or bad) as not accepting it at all. So today was another milestone in this season of self discovery. Today is the day I choose to own the changes God is making in my life. Not as new and interesting, but as my reality – a part of me. I’m no longer trying or starting, or beginning these things. As of today, I simply am these things.

"...Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today." ~ Exodus 14:13



Love y'all,
~M~

Snow Job

All of my east coast friends are telling me of their adventures in the recent blizzard and asking me just how grateful I am that I live in California now and don't have to deal with their weather.

But, the fact of the matter is, no - I am not happy to be living here now, instead of there...I've been learning tons about myself over these last three years and one of those things, is that I like seasons - and in true Mimi fashion, the more the better, thank you very much!  A friend asked me (in disbelief) what I could possibly miss about Maryland right now. My reply made her laugh, prompted her to forward it family members and caused her to encourage me to publish my writing. All that from just an email! So I decided to share it here...

Chris: 30 inches of snow, are ya sure you Miss Maryland? Remind me, please, and I will send you pictures tomorrow!

Me: 30 inches?!?!?!?! Yes I am sure!! I want to be up to my nostrils in snow. I want to invest in long underwear and thick socks. I want to debate with my coworkers if we should leave work early to get to the market before the shelves are bare. I want to walk in a straight line and when I turn around, see my footsteps & be surprised that they're so far down. I want to wear my Uggs because they're warm and not because I'm too lazy to put on shoes that lace. I want to wear them because they are winter boots and therefore, should be worn with down stuffed coats not tank tops and micro minis...

I want to have to plead with Malachi to "go shi-shi" outside while he desperately tries to get us back inside where it's warm and where the normal people/dogs are at. I want to pick up my friend at her house and venture 10 miles an hour the whole way, to church only to discover they canceled the event for the night but we didn't get the message (yup, really happened - at Cov Life too!)...I want to see liquid on the ground and think "careful, could be ice" instead of "oh, water". I want the cute little decals I put on my car windows to get scraped off after one winter's worth of window scrapping…

I want to look up in the sky and see it all purple-y with big, fat snowflakes coming down on me & feel that vertigo type feeling when the flakes come and I can "see" how far up the sky is. I want to take the metro because I have to - not because I want to - because the streets are hectic. I want to see cars who ventured out too soon (or too late) on the sides of the roads. I want to be one of "those" people who buys sweaters for their dogs...and maybe boots too, cuz it is cold, after all...

I want to day dream about getting a job and moving to California where it's sunny and warm all the time, blissfully unaware (or conveniently forgetting) that it's practically monsoon season here and if things keep going at the rate they are, I am going to have to swim to work and take an ark home...I want to light candles. Oooh, and a fireplace (since I will have one in my idealic Maryland life) and drink cocoa or hot tea and read...

I want a space heater in the doorway of my bathroom so that when I get out of the shower I won't develop icicles on myself before I can get dry. I want to remember to touch something metal with my key first when I get out of my car at a gas station and to have to try not to mutter a “wirty dord” when I forget and feel that crack! of the static shock that built up on me and that lil panic of "Am I going to mess around and blow myself up at this gas station?!?!" because the air is so dry…

Hmmm...what else...I want to have the shared experience of a storm - everyone in it together...I want to wear ear muffs and gloves. I want to coordinate my scarves with my outfits. I want to buy those little air activated heat packs that last eight hours that you can stuff down the back of your shirt to keep cozy. I want to know where my emergency lanterns are for when the lights go out. I want something to talk about with others that, although technically is the stereotypical "how's the weather?" conversation, is still genuinely interesting (lol) and I want admin leave (free time off work) when all of DC federal government closes down for inclement weather (!!!)...

Ok...ok, yeah, I think I’m done. For now. But I still want pictures!! Preferably of a really big snowman with your kids lined up next to him, but he's the tallest - maybe even taller than dad???

Be well – and be safe (to everyone there!)!!!
~M~

Not Me, but He

I pulled my sleeves up and found my forearms covered with angry little red bumps – from elbow to wrist and even wrapping around to the backs of my hands.  Seeing them in that moment, I came to realize they itch too - a lot.  Fabulous.  For years, I’ve had a stress related skin condition that usually shows up on my face and in my hair line that just looks like dry skin…but itchy microscopic bumps, this is something new.

Stress.  It can manifest intself in the greatest ways.

When I returned from DC a few weeks ago, I knew a challenge was waiting for me.  The day I came back, one of our Specialists started a new job in a different department and our supervisor left for extended, international leave for five weeks, leaving myself and one other Specialist to service the entire Air Force base that we work on. Before my trip, I didn’t care to know the details of who was taking what assignments from the departing Specialist (I knew regardless of details, the coming weeks would be trying) but I did notice it took her three trips to my office to move my share of her files and only one trip (and one hand) to deliver my counterpart’s share. When I came back from DC, the Specialist who left told me that with my original workload and my share of what was hers, I would now be servicing approximately 70% of the base.

Yeah. I haven't verified her math, I'm too afraid (lol).

Instead, I’m taking my job one day at a time. I have over 100 plates spinning and at any given moment one could drop…or I could catch it and keep it spinning. So far, I’ve been able to keep them all spinning away. But I haven’t been doing it on my own and the experience, although stressful, makes me curious and thankful to God. There have been many moments when I have literally put something down and said, “Lord, this is yours. If you want me to succeed, so be it – please take this from me and do what you want.” I have taken to making a hand gesture my pastor suggested on the first day of 2010: hands out, palms down. I am giving this up. This is not mine but yours, Lord. Have your way. I can’t take credit for keeping things working because I honestly don’t know how I’m doing it, other than to say that it’s not me, but He who making this happen.

Relief will come in three weeks when our boss returns and several weeks after that, the new Specialist will start and we’ll be able to split the workload three ways again. Until then, I am working and sleeping and fending off a cold, afraid to miss even two hours on Wednesdays for my appointments with my therapist. I’m also becoming more active in my church, attending Community Bible Study and trying to find time to be social with new friends. I’m training for my first 10K, working twice weekly with my personal trainer, reading the Bible in a year and trying to make sure Malachi doesn’t spend 20 hours a day locked up and alone.

So when I discovered my creepy little bumps that make me itch like I have bugs, I can’t say I was all that surprised. But despite what my body appears to think, I know I can do this. I will chug my quarts of OJ directly from the bottle while taking a customer's call and replying to an email with a third customer waiting in the lobby. I will run my multiple miles at lunch and fall asleep reading my Bible. I'll play with Malachi (and bribe him with yummies) and take notes at CBS...and I will even occassionally write a blog.  I know this stressful season will pass and I know I can make it through – successfully – because I can do all things. And not all things through me, but through He who strengthens me.

Love y'all!
~M~