Cage the Elephant

What a difference a year makes. One year ago, I was happy. My life was headed in a direction I’d prayed and prayed that it would go. I’ve thought about things since then and yup – life was good. It wasn’t perfect, but it was good. Some work had to be done, but everything I’d always wanted was coming together. And then, suddenly, one year ago to the day…it was over. I’ve been wondering all week how today would feel. Part of me thought maybe I wouldn’t even notice, since I’d long ago stopped tracking the months of progress and until only recently it hadn’t even occurred to me the “significance” of today. The other part of me, though, wondered if I would get out of bed at all. It’s been a year(!), but when I think about things for too long, I can still feel the ache in my chest.

What a difference a year makes. I live in California now – sunny, Mediterranean, California. A Shangri-la destination I never thought I’d live. I’m 30lbs lighter and three clothing sizes smaller. I work out five days a week and I can feel the changes in my body and my endurance. I’m gearing up for my first half marathon relay. I haven’t earned a single hour of sick leave since I moved here, but can see the pay off for the appointments with my councilor that I commute an hour for; I can see how facts and events in my past affected me. My relationship with my family is different and as a result, how I relate to the opposite sex is different too. I now live in a postage stamp sized studio cottage and I’ve never been happier – it’s just enough space for me, no more, no less. I’m learning so much from the teacher at my Bible study – an organization called Community Bible Study, that I first learned about in DC, but didn’t have the opportunity to attend regularly. I’ve found a great church that is welcoming and has lots of opportunities to get plugged in.

What a difference a year makes. I’m now healthy in mind, body and spirit. I have never felt better. About a month ago, I started wondering if the feelings I have of missing DC where because “the grass is always greener on the other side” or because I really do miss it. It was a daily thought, I couldn’t figure out the answer to. Do I really want to go back? I decided the best way to know for sure would be to visit. Then, as things came together for my visit, I was invited to also interview for a job while I was there. The opportunity prompted me to think more seriously – and literally – about whether or not I want to return.

What a difference a year makes. For so many years before this last one, there have been things in my life that went unacknowledged. Things that I saw, but had been taught or had learned to carefully and diligently turn my head away from and refuse to acknowledge. I very carefully ignored any figurative “elephants in the room” that where in my presence. I ignored and suppressed and made excuses, until I couldn’t do it anymore. For me, this has been a year of caging the elephants in my life to prevent any future damage...and it feels great. The interview in DC fell through, but I’m just two days away from my visit and I can’t wait. I see it as an opportunity to see a geographic area through healed eyes. Will it be brighter? More pleasant? Or maybe (more realistically) it will be the same, but I will be different. It’s an exciting thought…

Love y'all,
~M~