The Deep End of the Ocean

So, I’ve wanted to blog for a while, but whenever I sit down to do it, I freeze up.  There is a lot of junk in the past several years that I’m in the process of cleaning up and sometimes blogging tempts me to spend too much time in dark places where I shouldn’t be.  The thing is, I haven’t posted in a year and I feel obligated to fill in those blanks.  But I can’t.  I just can’t.  So I think I have to start fresh – and be ok with that.  Just let it be.  Maybe as time goes on, those blanks will fill themselves in naturally, without me having to write a onetime dissertation on the subject.

I was going to wait 14 days, to post this, marking the one year “anniversary” of sorts.  But this is a new beginning, and I don’t want to schedule something that significant.  I think it will be hard, probably full of small victories my lovely readers might not even notice, but it will be good.  It will be good and I want to get started as soon as possible.  The Lord, in his infinite wisdom has brought me to a little Portuguese island in the middle of nowhere, to continue my journey.  I live in Portugal, now.  I live in PORTUGAL now!!  Who says that?!  I mean, other than Portuguese people and all the people on this base, lol. I certainly never in my wildest dreams, thought it would be me.  I see Portugal as a continuation of my Central California year of Yoga for the Soul (also known as 2009).  It was there, that I learned about this somewhat secret slice of heaven.

I left California to return to DC.  I can’t explain my feelings about Washington DC or my time there, or whether or not it was a good idea to return.  When I try, I feel myself go to a dark place.  So I know that for now, at least, it’s best for me to put that down and take a break.  Just like an abusive relationship (of which I consider myself familiar), I returned to that city for more…trying to prove something, or gain something that I’m not completely sure I ever did.  But also like an abusive relationship, I know that whatever happens I can’t – and won’t – go back. I want to experience this goodness and I’m looking forward to the next good thing.

I suspect that not all of my freezing up has to do with past trauma or negative influences.  There’s a fair part of me that knows my best writing was accomplished when I was “like this” with God.  When we were so close I could drive down the highway and hear his voice, or sit at my keyboard and let him use my fingers.  I know there is a calling there; he wants me back.  If I want to write again – to write well again – I will have to cultivate that deep relationship again.  Even though I believe, even though I love the Lord so much, that level of relationship is overwhelming and intimidating.  But still, I want it.

When I decided to try to return to blogging, my first instinct was to change the name of my blog, so that people – certain people – couldn’t find it as easily as they once could.  One thing I’m learning right now, is to recognize resistance and to give God a chance to reveal Himself through it.  My blog is called Miangels4ever.  Forever is a long time.  Forever is…indestructible.  Forever cannot be ruined or changed or destroyed…it preservers.  And so will I.

Love y’all,

~M~