So, I’ve wanted to blog for a while, but whenever I sit down
to do it, I freeze up. There is a lot of
junk in the past several years that I’m in the process of cleaning up and
sometimes blogging tempts me to spend too much time in dark places where I
shouldn’t be. The thing is, I haven’t posted
in a year and I feel obligated to fill in those blanks. But I can’t.
I just can’t. So I think I have
to start fresh – and be ok with that.
Just let it be. Maybe as time
goes on, those blanks will fill themselves in naturally, without me having to
write a onetime dissertation on the subject.
I was going to wait 14 days, to post this, marking the one
year “anniversary” of sorts. But this is
a new beginning, and I don’t want to schedule something that significant. I think it will be hard, probably full of
small victories my lovely readers might not even notice, but it will be
good. It will be good and I want to get
started as soon as possible. The Lord,
in his infinite wisdom has brought me to a little Portuguese island in the
middle of nowhere, to continue my journey.
I live in Portugal, now. I live
in PORTUGAL now!! Who says that?! I mean, other than Portuguese people and all
the people on this base, lol. I certainly never in my wildest dreams, thought it would be me. I see Portugal as a continuation of my Central
California year of Yoga for the Soul (also known as 2009). It was there, that I learned about this somewhat
secret slice of heaven.
I left California to return to DC. I can’t explain my feelings about Washington
DC or my time there, or whether or not it was a good idea to return. When I try, I feel myself go to a dark
place. So I know that for now, at least,
it’s best for me to put that down and take a break. Just like an abusive relationship (of which I
consider myself familiar), I returned to that city for more…trying to prove
something, or gain something that I’m not completely sure I ever did. But also like an abusive relationship, I know
that whatever happens I can’t – and won’t – go back. I want to experience this
goodness and I’m looking forward to the next good thing.
I suspect that not all of my freezing up has to do with past
trauma or negative influences. There’s a
fair part of me that knows my best writing was accomplished when I was “like
this” with God. When we were so close I
could drive down the highway and hear his voice, or sit at my keyboard and let
him use my fingers. I know there is a
calling there; he wants me back. If I
want to write again – to write well
again – I will have to cultivate that deep
relationship again. Even though I
believe, even though I love the Lord so much, that level of relationship is overwhelming
and intimidating. But still, I want it.
When I decided to try to return to blogging, my first
instinct was to change the name of my blog, so that people – certain people –
couldn’t find it as easily as they once could.
One thing I’m learning right now, is to recognize resistance and to give
God a chance to reveal Himself through it.
My blog is called Miangels4ever.
Forever is a long time. Forever
is…indestructible. Forever cannot be
ruined or changed or destroyed…it preservers.
And so will I.
Love y’all,
~M~
